Originally read at the Celebration of Caleb on Nov. 18th at All Souls Gathering, Shelburne, VT
I’m quite familiar with missing Caleb. If I were to draw our trajectories over the last four years, our two lines would look random to the untrained eye – more apart than overlapping. There would be zig zags, asymmetrical rises and falls, intersections. Our relationship has existed in the space between the lines, not bound by distance…nor cell service.
The missing started every time we would part, sometimes even before the final goodbye hug. My journals are full of the missing. And there was – and is – so much to miss. The ease of his smile, his smelly clothes, his unwavering confidence and competitiveness, his romantic side, the bottomless appetite, his emotional support, and his love of life.
Even without caffeine, he radiated with energy and gratitude. He would let childlike yippees tumble out over simple things and he wasn’t afraid to text me in exclamation points. In ordinary moments, Caleb would turn to me and say, “I love my life. It’s just so fun.”
He could love his life so openly because he was the one carefully creating it. His perma-stoke and his introversion often obscured the discipline and years of hard work. Caleb was exceptional at so many things because he spent the time and effort to master them. Behind the scenes, he was retracing difficult climbing sequences, studying two letter Scrabble words and chess openers, watching videos and films on cooking, and studying the brain to realize human potential.
The rises and falls in our lines would surely map both our successful adventures and the sufferfests. Those of us who have been lucky enough to tie into a rope with Caleb or join him on the skin track know what I’m talking about. For others, I must introduce a key term here: Sandbag (verb): to intentionally understate an activity’s difficulty. Sandbagger (noun): A person who intentionally belies or understates an activity’s difficulty through statements like “It’s easy; It’s not that bad; You will love it.”
Caleb is the ultimate sandbagger – it ran so deeply in his veins that it was incurable.
On our first date, we went for a run and he lapped me two times on the hill from Lebanon into Hanover like an unleashed puppy. I was so tired, I couldn’t even talk. On our first ski tour together on Ascutney, it was -5 degrees. I had unlined rubber boots. He stuck skins onto his skis and hoped I would boot pack next to him. I waited in the car instead. My first Catan game with his one offering of advice to “collect all the sheep.” Then there was the lesson on trad climbing before I was lead climbing, the extra 3 miles of unplanned skinning in the Tetons, hanging belays in Index…and that’s just the abridged sandbag list from Year One.
It wasn’t just that Caleb wanted to achieve his chosen objective, it was that he chose us and believed in our potential to do it with him. Our ability to dig deep, perform, and reach the summit together. Chances are we did reach it – and it’s likely one of our grandest adventures.
I’m pretty sure dating Caleb has been my grandest adventure. It hasn’t been all that easy…especially right now. But his partnership has left me with a hunger to get out there, try harder and realize my own potential. I am beyond sad that Caleb’s line doesn’t get to dance along with mine in the years to come, yet I know that he will continue to affect my trajectory.
Just one more thing. We all know Caleb left a lot of things unsaid. So without speaking for him, I want you to know that his love ran deep and he spoke in hugs, and high fives, in long drives and surprise pop ups.
Arlin. Hey Arlin. You must already know this but Caleb is your biggest fan. He talked about you all the time – what you were up to, where you were going next, how well your vlog was that week, why you were still single. His love for you transcended fraternal love and he genuinely appreciated all of your quirks and hobbies and perspectives.
Mary Anne and Winslow: I am so deeply grateful that you gave us Caleb. Caleb learned from you to how to keep his body well-fed and strong. Your roadtrip and chairlift math games kept Caleb sharp and propelled him to be just a few moves faster than all of us. Together you conjured up a compassionate and talented human that was impossible for me not to fall for.
